Find out who your friends are

This should have been the eve of my surgery but it has been pushed back to Sept. 21.  I wish it were tomorrow so I could keep the ball moving.  I will be in stall pattern here for the next couple of weeks.    The silver lining is that I will get to go home next weekend to see my family.  That will be a nice treat.  

That thing that people say about finding out who your real friends are when things get shitty is the truth.  It might have been nice to stay in my bubble of oblivion thinking everyone that was important to me felt the same way back.  This part will sound like a broken record - I continue to be blown away by the support from my family, friends, Stella Sisters, and my new friends here in Denver.  

But the most surprising is the people I thought would be there for me but have not.  It hard not to feel the disappointment when it comes to these people.  I try not to dwell on the negatives since I am so blessed with far more people that have been nothing short of amazing.  But it hurts my heart.  It hurts that these are people I would have done anything for and all I wanted was some support, a "hey, how are you doing today"  I will get over it, it is what it is.  I guess it is better to know then not to know, but doesn't make it any easier.  

So I share this to ask you all to be honest with those that are important to you and don't lead on the ones that aren't.  And if you are not sure, thats ok.  But if someone you know goes through something shitty, don't underestimate the power of a "hey, how are you?".  I can tell you, it goes a long way.  

Where Strength Lives

So about Friday night at {Blunt Force}...it was beyond amazing.  So many gym friends, other friends and new friends. We had so much fun.  It was a great workout.  Some great prizes were given out.  My {Stella & Dot} sisters sent out some jewels to be raffled off too.  That was another surprise.  Happy Hour was pretty good too :)  I will update with more pictures when I get them!  I know this is a short one but I am really having trouble with words for this group of people and how they have helped me.  

Best.Gym.Ever.

Gym Family

So lucky to have this fab lady in my life

That time they put me on the spot in front of everyone

Stella & Dot goodies

Great turn out!

Gym besties.  They did 200+ burpees for me

Fake tattoos

Happy Hour!

Feeling awkward

It's a Date

I'm So the date is set - Wednesday, September 21st.  Just about 3 weeks from now.  They called yesterday to let me know.  While I wish it was sooner, I know the doctors did their best to make this happen as soon as possible.  So I will keep myself busy from now until then.  Mom and sister will switch their travel plans to be here for the new date.  I have been reading up on what to take to the hospital and what I may need after.  Once I figure out my plan ( I have time now), I will write about what I decide. I didn't know there were so many options when it comes to all this. 

This morning I went for my pre-op testing.  This appointment was booked based on my original surgery date of 9/1.  When the nurse called with the new date I asked if I should still go and she said yes.  That is was still within the window for the new date that is was good.  It was easier then I thought for the most part - they took blood and some chest x-rays.  And of course there was paperwork.  There is always paperwork.  Do I have a living will?  What are my wishes in different circumstance, you know all the fun stuff you want to think about.  Good news, I was in and out in less then an hour.  I was happy about that.

Its kinda a chilly, grey day out today, which matches my mood.  Actually it is the first chilly day here in Denver.  Overall I think I have been doing a pretty good job with all this stuff.  But today I'm just in a funk.  Maybe the knowing the date and that my decision has been made has somehow made this more real.  I know it my my heart I made the right decision, but that doesn't make it any better.  I really do try to focus on the good and the little wins I have had along the way.  I am generally a positive person and trying not to lose sight of that.  I see how it could be easy to curl up and wallow.  And sometimes, that is just want I want to do.  I am sure that is "normal".  But as long as I have more good days then bad, I would consider that a win too.

Tomorrow is the fundraiser at my gym and I am excited for that.  The money part is still uncomfortable for me, but I know people want to help and that is the easiest way.  What I am looking forward to is a good time.  There will be a bootcamp workout, a DJ and some other fun things.  I will take some pictures to share.  

More tattoos??

I had never given much thought to my boobs or my nipples before a month or so ago.  I mean I would think "do my boobs look good in this shirt" or "why are my nipples always hard" (I am always cold!).  But not much more then that.  And I find out I have breast cancer and my boobs are the center of my world I feel like.  

I may need this tee from Easy

When I met with the plastic surgeon he mentioned he may be able to save my nipples.  This little thing to me made it like I wasn't losing everything and could keep a little something that was mine.  I spoke to my breast surgeon's partner yesterday as Dr. B is on vacation.  She said based on the papers, she does not think I am a candidate for the nipple sparing procedure.  I am bummed.  Apparently they can 3 D tattoo nipples on once the new boobs heal.  Guess I will be looking into that.  And I thought I was done with tattoos.  

I am waiting for the breast surgeon and the plastic surgeon to coordinate schedules so I can find out if my surgery date will change.  More waiting...  In the meantime, I have started to read about what the procedure will be like and life just after.  I have been given so much great information and found some great groups on Facebook for girls my age going through this same thing.  That has been very helpful.

This makes me laugh every time

These past few days have been the first I really wanted to go back to July 19, when everything was great and I didn't know the bump in my boob was cancer.   I wish I were done with my boobs - husband, babies, all of it.   I will never know why I got this now, but it is what it is. 

Thank you all!

But trying to focus on the good.  As shitty as all this is, I continue to be amazed at the support.  Because most of my family and my coworkers even are far away, they all send stuff.  (This is in no way meant to be a bragging part of the post - just shear gratitude).  And since these people can't be here, these things make me smile everyday.

Meet Dr Kick Ass sent from a coworker

My aunt, who is kicking throat caner's ass right now sent this huge binder.  The docs will follow us both for 5 years once we are cancer free.  The binder will be a place to keep all the paperwork, test results, receipts we collect along the way.  Mine says #dreamboobs on the front.  

Medical binder, at least my paperwork will look good!

Extra, Extra

What a long week it's been.  I saw the plastic surgeon on Monday and then headed to Chicago for a work convention and just got back today.  Lots of long days and I am happy to be home.

The meeting with the plastic surgeon was good.  Again, he really took his time walking through the different options he had for me.  He took a ton of measurements, I didn't even know there were so many ways to measure a boob.  I won't get into all the particulars, but the appointment went well.

From Erin Condren

The best part about the convention in Chicago was seeing Sarah and Stacie.  We only get to see each other a few times a year, but I would be lost without them.  Both in work and in life, they support me, listen and give me advice.  We got in on Tuesday and went right to The Drybar for some girl time.  They had never been.  We had a great time despite this one not having champagne :)

Work besties

The rest of the week was meetings and dinners.  I wrote out my profs and cons list on Wednesday.  It always helps me to write everything down.  It was hard to keep focus in the meetings, but I did my best.  I also got to see a ton of District Managers and other coworkers from all over the country.  There was no shortage of hugs and "I'm praying for yous" and I was A-ok with that.  It's really nice to feel that support. 

So after lots of careful consideration and lots of lists and conversations with Mom and some others,  I decided on the double mastectomy + reconstruction.  This option will give me the best piece of mind moving forward.  It was not easy at all and I was back and forth all week about what I wanted to do.  I am confident with this choice and now it is on until the next step!

SaveSave

Everybody in the club getting tipsy

Yesterday I went on a bar crawl that raises money for cancer.  When the guys I know asked me to go, it was right after my diagnosis.  They didn't know at the time but the tears in my eyes were a dead give away that something was wrong.  Anyway, they talked me into it.  There are 30 teams of 10 people.  Each team visits 5 bars and gets 4 pitchers of beer at each bar with the entry.  Then there is a big after party at one of the bars.  

The team I was on like to come up with a theme each year.  Last year was beach party, this year they decided on Yacht club or really boats and hoes.  The guys all work polos or navy blazers and captains hats.  I didn't know any of the girls going before hand so I didn't really know what to wear. I pulled out white shorts and a blue oxford shirt and called it a day.  The girls I met were so nice and we had a great time.  

So while this post isn't directly related to my cancer, it was nice to go have fun for a day.  I don't forget about whats going on or the decision that needs to be made, but for a little bit yesterday I didn't think about it.  

Before

After

Should they stay or should they go...

It's Friday night and most girls my age are deciding what their next drink is or what to watch next on Netflix.  I am sitting here deciding if I want to lose my boobs.  The appointment with the surgeon went well yesterday.  She took her time explaining how the lumpectomy procedure would go from start to finish.  I asked some questions, my main concern is the biggest variable - chemo.  It is such a scary word, maybe even more scary then cancer.  Chemo would impact my chances for a baby down the road.  No kids for me yet, but hope to someday.  So that is the hardest part for me right now with the lumpectomy.  I won't know if chemo is needed until they test the tumor cells & my lymph nodes. 

Dr. B set me up to meet with a plastic surgeon on Monday to get the full scoop on the mastectomy and reconstruction.  She understands that this is not just a medical decision but an emotional one as well.  She also wants me to have all the information to make the best educated decision for me.

My mind is spinning with all this information.  The decision to move from PA to CO wasn't too bad because I know I can always go back.  When I thought about future life decisions it was more wedding dates and baby names. I never saw this coming and knowing I have to make this choice has made the cancer finally feel real.

The nights are still hard for me.  Not sleeping a ton and with the 2 hour time difference to the East Coast, some nights can feel pretty lonely.  By no means am I alone in this fight.  The love and support from everyone has been absolutely amazing and I am not trying to down play that.  Just being honest.  This is my place to do that so thanks for bearing with me. 

Image via { here }

Results & Options

Finally some good news.  The genetic test results came back and I tested negative for all 25 genes.  This is good news because the genes increase the probability that the cancer will return.  In some cases the gene puts you more at risk for other cancers as well.  This was the last piece of information we were waiting for to determine the best treatment plan.  I see the surgeon tomorrow morning.

I have been back and forth about the treatment options - lumpectomy + 7 weeks radiation and possibly chemo or the mastectomy.  There are pros and cons to both but I wanted to have some idea which was I am leaning before getting to the appointment tomorrow.  I have done a lot of reading and and still so undecided.  Many girls my age opt for the mastectomy because of the longer life span.  Neither option provides a longer life, but there is more chance the cancer could come back with the lumpectomy vs the mastectomy because they are not taking all the tissue.

Either way I hope to know more tomorrow.

#2 and the love

I got the call on Friday and the results from the second biopsy came back more cancer.  Honestly, I kinda knew that would be the case.  Good news is it is the same boob as before.  I will meet with the surgeon on Thursday.  Hopefully, the genetic test results will be back by then and we can finalize a treatment plan.

I was away again this weekend.  I was able to meet to ladies who inspire and motivate with the best of them.  It was such an honor really. 

Jessica Herrin author and founder of Stella & Dot telling me "You got this"

Danielle Render loved #dreamboobs

I came home to a mailbox full of cards and a few packages (an awesome Be Brave hat, an envelope full of photos and a basket of PA goodies).   And to top it all off, my gym is going to host a fundraiser bootcamp just before my surgery.  I am feeling very loved today. 

All my boxes

PA goodies - Tastykakes, peanut chews, salt water taffy

Best gym poster ever!

It's kinda crazy when something like this happens, the people who step up and other that you would want to be there and they just aren't.  I am trying not to think to much about those people.  Because I have so many wonderful people pulling for me!

Doctor, Doctor

This morning I had a biopsy #2 and I'm wrapped tighter then you could even imagine. I don't know how people wear corsets. It's inly my boobs that are wrapped and I'm uncomfortable. Definitely more so then the last one. But it's just one day. I'll alwep like this tonight and take it off tomorrow. 

{Strength} bracelet on repeat!

I should probably back up to all of the appointments from last week. I'll get better at this I hope. 

On Monday mornings I met with a genetic counselor.  Since I'm 35 with no history of breast cancer in my family, I qualified for this testing. Jessica asked me to go through my family and we drew out a family tree up to my grandparents. Including myself only 4 of 40+ family members have had cancer. She then went through the testing and the different genes they would be testing for. There are 25 different genes associated with breast cancer. If it comes back that I am postitive for any of those, the chance for the cancer to come back more then triples. Celebs like Angeliana and Christina Applegate have helped bring awareness to these genes. Both tested positive and underwent double mastectomies in a proactive measure. If I test positive, I would do the same.

That star would not come off!  And they are all about the pink :)

Monday afternoon I saw an OBGYN. I did not have one here in Denver and that was the original appointment from 3 weeks prior when I called to say I found a lump. So I kept it.  I filled out all the paperwork and for the first time checked the box next to breast cancer. The nurse and I talked about if after she did my blood pressure, height and weight. Yet the doc came bouncing in smiley and happy and said "you are young, healthy and here for your annual, right?"  When I said well actually I was diagnosed with breast cancer last week I thought he was gonna fall over. It was all over from there. Total word vomit. The things coming out of his mouth were just too much for me for say number 5. Things like early menopause and removing ovaries were not what I wanted to talk about. I hadn't looked at any of that part so I could have an open mind when I met with the surgeon. I just kept nodding. He wrote me a script for birth control because he said this is not the time to get pregnant. And I got out of there as fast as I could. 

Tuesday was a short, sweet visit with my primary doctor to see if I had any question. I didn't. Then Tuesday afternoon I met the surgeon. A friend from work went to this one with me. I thought it would be the scariest one that week. It was nice to have someone with me. Dr. B was amazing. She took her time going through everything. We talked though the different options and tests. We have s much of a plan as we can while we wait for results from the genetic tests. She also set me up to see the radiologist later that week. I even left this appointment with a goodie bag and of course more reading materials!

Daily reminder

Wednesday was the MRI. If you've never had one for your boobs let me explain. I laid down on my belly, put my face in a spot like a massage table and then let my boobs hang down into these special holes. They have me headphones but you can barely hear over the noise of the machine. The best part was the warm blankets bill never say no to anything warm. I'm the girl that sits under a pile of sheets or towels just out of the dryer. I had to lay super still for 25ish minutes. The last 12 min is when the contrast came through the IV. It burned going in. I could feel it move through me and when it gets to your legs you feel like you are peeing your pants because it's warm in your blood. Once it was in the burning stopped. I really wanted to pick my head up but knew it would just make it last longer. That was my only appointment on Wednesday thankfully. I was surprised Bonnie called with the results that afternoon. Surprise they found another mass in the same boob and I needed another biopsy. Dr. B called later to explain and tell me about how this one would work since it would be a different procedure then the first one. Much like the MRI, I would lay on a table on my belly with my boob on a hole by he table would be raised so the doc could work under me. This is because this mass is farther from the surface and harder to get to. 

The gown is part of my everyday wardrobe

Last appointment for the week was with the radiologist. He has been working my my surgeon for 16 years and they are very much on the same page. Much of what he told me was identical to what she had said. Which was reassuring. He did say that IF I need chemo it's 3/4 months long. I wasn't expecting to hear that. Trying not to worry about that until we know more. He was nice, gave me a hug at the end and said you will be cancer free when this is over. 

That's the rundown for now. I see Dr. B again next week and hope to have the genetic test results back so we can determine the plan. Surgery date is set for Sept 1.  

It's Not a Tumor

I love a good Kindergarten Cop reference...I should probably start at the beginning since I jumped right into the news on my first post.  Because after people, especially the ladies, find out about my diagnosis, the first question is "how did you know".  Truth is I didn't know and never thought I would have heard those words.

I found a bump in my right boob while in the shower.  I just thought "oh this is weird" but didn't think too much of it and figured it would go away.  Every few days I would see if I could still feel it.  It felt like a mini gum ball at about 8 o'clock (thats how the docs talk about it, like your boob is a clock).  The pesky thing stuck around.  I went back to PA for the 4th of July weekend.  I surprised my Aunt who had been diagnosed with throat cancer just a month before (right around time I found the bump.  While we were laying in bed chatting (something we do often when I stay at her house) I told her about it.  She felt it and immediately said I needed to have it checked out.  Well it was 11pm so nothing until the morning.

I called an OBGYN in Denver recommended by a friend to try and get an appointment.  The first available was July 25th (I called July 1).  I thought that was far considering I was telling them I felt something in my boob.  Next I called my old OBGYN to see if they could fit me in.  Too bad it was a holiday weekend and only one doc was working and she was on call for C-sections.  The office manager, however, suggested I go to an Urgent Care.  She said anyone who saw me would need to send me for a mammogram and an ultrasound.  The Urgent Care could get the process going.  So in the car we got.  I called my mom on the way.  I hadn't said anything to her yet since I thought it was nothing.  Oh and we were supposed to be leaving for the beach in the early afternoon.

We were at the Urgent Care for less then 90 min.  They called me back, weighed me, asked why I was there, felt me up, wrote the order and we were done.  The following week I called and booked the mammogram and ultrasound.  Went and had those on July 12th.  The staff was great where I went.  Once they took you back it was like a spa.  They gave me a warm robe to put on and knowing you are there for a diagnostic test and not just a routine, I think they take extra good care.  There was a doctor on site to look at everything right then and there.  After the initial mammogram pictures, he asked for a few more to get a better look.  Once those were done it was on the ultrasound.  Again, the tech was super nice.  Once she was done the doctor came in to chat.  He confirmed they could see what I was feeling and the tissue would need to be test via a biopsy.  These initial tests just let them know if something is there but have no way to say what it is.

The biopsy was scheduled for July 19th.  As I mentioned, I was at a 2 day planning meeting.  So I left the meeting in the afternoon, went and had the biopsy and came back for the rest of the afternoon session.  Once that was over we went to dinner, had drinks and everything was great.  I really didn't think twice about the procedure from earlier, except the fact I was wrapped so tight!

Getting ready to leave, that's ice in my bra!

When the phone rang the next morning and it was Bonnie with the results, shocked doesn't even cover it!  You can read about the news {here}.